A Little Spark in the Powderhouse
by NekoNinja
Summary: **complete!** Take one very reactive spider, one Potions Master, and one 5 foot freefall and what do you get? Endless Insanity ^^
1. chapter 1

Author's Note-*sigh* Once again I couldn't keep my little feet out of JK Rowling's sandbox. My Divine Mallet of Inspiration is grinning evilly at me, any second now I'm gonna be hit by another Potter-orientated idea. Anyone want an over active Divine Mallet of Inspiration? It's free to a good home, all right, enough with my silliness ^^, enjoy chapter 1 of A Little Spark in the Powderhouse.  
  
Disclaimer-not mine, tis JK Rowling's, the plots all mine, but everything else is belonging to JK.  
  
This day couldn't have gotten any worse, Professor Snape thought to himself. The first year Hufflepuff's were bad enough, any day he had a class with the fifth year Gryffindors was garuanteed to end up rotten. He cast a glance in Longbottom's direction, the oozing blasphemy rising from Potter and his' shared cauldron definatly wasn't an Adflictatio-Cesso. Another sweep of the class showed nothing out of the ordinary, his gaze swept up to the ceiling, damn, no scintilla.  
  
The scintilla was a bright red, yellow and pale blue spider about seven inches long. Scintilla spiders were a newly discovered species, rumored to be very usefull in potion craft because it was related to the spuma spider, which was quite a handy ingredient in itself. Snape counted himself lucky to get ahold of one of the creepy crawlies, the bad thing was that it escaped. The thought of that spider finding its way into a cauldron kept him on the edge all day.  
  
On a lighter note he was glad he whipped up a new batch of bezoar antidote the other day. Potter and Longbottom's bastard creation looked like it was about to start spitting out toxic vapors. Snape smiled a very little but very evil smile and diskreetly made his way over to the workbench of Potter and Longbottom.  
  
"Excellent Longbottom," he sneered, "what were you planning on calling it?"  
  
Both boys looked up at him, their faces quite a bit paler than they were minutes ago. Longbottom's eyes nearly popped out of his head and he screeched as though he saw something frightening. That was new, but it was four years to late to be anything but pathetic. On the other hand Potter looked quite shaken up himself, most amusing yet, the scolded dog act never got any sympathy from him. But, then again what was that idiot boy mumbling? Phifer? Slider? Scryer? Clearly both Potter and Longbottom had lost it. Then it dawned on him, Potter was saying-  
  
Spider.  
  
He looked up just in time to see a familiar funky colored spider falling towards the bubbling monstrosity in the cauldron. Could this day get any worse! A hasty spur of the moment plan popped into his mind, and he put it into action as soon as it registered. He bounded up, arms outstreched, sure he probably looked stupid but if the students valued their lives they wouldn't mention it. How long had he been in the air anyway? It was at that moment that the little voice in the back of his skull decided to remind him on one of the finer points of physics-  
  
'What goes up, must come down Severus.'  
  
Damn gravity, was his last thing that passed through his mind before he landed on the cauldron, tipping it over and hurling himself as well as a tidal wave of God knows what onto the dungeon floor.  
  
It was dark when he came too, there was something rough under his hands. Ah ha try and escape from me again you little bastard, he thought triumphantly. Wait a minute? Since when was it so warm in the dungeons? While we're on that note when did the floor become so uneven? And what was that smell?  
  
Reluctantly he squeezed an eye open, and promptly wished he hadn't. It wasn't the scintilla he had such a tight grip on. His hands were clamped onto Longbottom's robe, more than just clutching onto him (which was bad enough) he was lying on top of the boy. And to make it worse they were covered in some sticky grey ooze, and the damned scintilla was no where in sight.   
  
Snape peeled himself off Longbottom, trying not to lose the little dignity he had left. Once on his feet he acessed the damage. The grey stuff was everywhere. Potter, who'd been standing next to Longbottom had a good coat of the mess on him. The students in the bench next to him, Draco and Miss Granger had a nice helping on their right most sides, Miss Granger having more since she was closer. And damn, it looked like little Weasley decided to check on his bosom buddy Mr. Potter and gotten a nice bath as well.  
  
Suddenly extremly glad for the bezoar antidote, he pulled the flask from his robe, un- screwed it and took a long pull from it. A few students stared at him in astonishment, but Snape didn't care. Hell, it wouldn't kill them to think once in a while, even if it was concerning whether he was a booze hound. He offered the flask to the closest soaked student, and since Longbottom was clearly comfortable on the floor that person just happened to be.....Potter, oh happy day.  
  
Potter froze, the exterior of his face clearly whining about the interior's desire to be anywhere but here. The boy was staring at the flask like it was poisonous, how could Potter be so stupid.  
  
"I'm sorry Mr. Potter, I had no idea you wished to meet your maker so soon." No need to waste precious time on that numbskull, he handed the flask to Draco, who wasted no time gulping down some of the liquad. The face Draco made when the flask left his lips would've been described by Muggle's as a 'Kodak Moment' he believed. Miss Granger got hold of the flask next, her expression after tasting the bezoar antidote was a little more controlled than Draco's had been. Mr Weasley took the flask next his after expression much more entertaining than Draco's. Predictably, Weasley gave the flask to Potter who didn't hesitate to take some now. Potter tried to suck it up but it was clear he wanted to make a face just like the others did. The flask then made it's way down to Longbottom, who was sitting up now. Longbottom reacted badly to the antidote, he took one taste and spat it out, right on Snape's robe.  
  
He was aware that he couldn't hit the students but by now he was way too mad to just dock him some house points, so he smacked Longbottom on the back of his round head. "Well, well suicidal now are we? If you want to kill yourself kindly refrain yourself from doing it in my CLASS!!" was the less than subtle insult to the previous injury. Longbottom shrank as far down as he could and emptied the flask, turning a slight greenish shade he said something that sounded like, tastes like kitty litter.  
  
"And you know from experience I'll wager," Snape growled. "Potter, Longbottom, Weasley, Granger, and Malfoy....detention, right now! As for the rest of you, get the fuck out of here, class dismissed."  
  
The rest of the class needed no further invitation, they couldn't have moved faster at a bomb threat. The five that remained looked as though they'd seen a grim, walked under a ladder, broke a mirror, and spilled a truckload of salt in one swift move.  
  
Snape scowled at them, "Follow me." Snape started walking toward the supply room and not wanting to suffer anymore of Snape's wrath the four Gryffindors and the Slytherin followed without comment.  
  
Back in the classroom a seven inch long, bright red spider with splotches of pale blue and yellow fur crawled out from under a work bench. Big globs of grey ooze clung to its body; which was missing a leg, five or six eyes, and the point off one of its fangs. It swayed side to side like it was drunk and then preceeded to scuttle towards Snape's desk.  
  
End of Chapter 1 


	2. chapter 2

Author's Note-Wow, so many reviews in such a short time ^^. A big, big, big thanks to you all. This chapter's for you!  
  
Disclaimer-I own the spiders woo-hoo!! JK owns the rest, well all except one bit...  
  
A Little Spark in the Powderhouse-chapter 2  
  
Damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, damn, Snape kept cursing over and over. Damn Spider, damn Longbottom, damn Potter, damn Weasely, damn mother fucking spider! He really wanted to hit something really really bad right now.  
  
'Calm down Severus', the little voice in his head said. 'This isn't worth it, you let them see you lose your cool once and they'll never fear you again.'  
  
Depends on what you call losing you cool though. The quintet behind him seemed pretty petrified, but he didn't know if it was fear for what the potion was going to do to them, fear of him or both.  
  
Snape walked to a case of specimens and lifted one. A section of the wall slid aside exposing a once hidden hallway.  
  
The idea of any student being in his personal quarters irked him like no other. But seeing as they were dripping wet from a potion thats powers were unknown. And soaked as they were a simple towel and a basin wouldn't work. His bathroom was the closest shower in the dungeon, and the threat of having to write five letters saying: Dear Mr/Mrs __________ your son/daughter has been killed by a malfunctioning potion. My deepest regards, Severus Snape POTIONS Master, Hogwarts. Made the irksome-ness *greatly* recede. With a sigh he lead the students into his personal quarters.  
  
Five pairs of eyes grew wide with wonder at being in, what must have been to them Area 51 (A/N I realize Area 51 is an American thing, but its just a simile ^^). Longbottom moved to sit on a couch in front of the fireplace.  
  
"Don't sit down, and don't touch anything," Snape growled before sliding his robe off, rolling up the sleeves on his black oxford shirt and rummaging through an armoire. Five black robes flew out of the armoire, Snape gathered them and handed one to each student, getting a questioning look in return.  
  
"Look," he scowled. "You need to get that potion out of contact with your body. there's no telling what kind of effects it could have."  
  
"But it was just an Adflictatio-Cesso," Miss Granger said nervously.  
  
"Ten points from Gryffindor for your ignorance. Nothing Mr. Longbottom touches turns out the way it should." He decided not to tell them that the last ingredient had unknown properties. Better to avoid a riot.  
  
***************************************  
  
Meanwhile, back in the classroom, the scintilla had climbed to the top of Snape's desk and decided to take a nap on an open Potions Handbook after that bout of extreme climbing. And Snape's next class, which consisted of the Gryffindor and Slytherin first years began filing in. One little Gryffindor took one look at the desk and prompty screamed-  
  
"Professor Snape's been turned into a spider!"  
  
A few students dropped from sheer shock. The loud noise waking the scintilla up, the spider glanced around saw the student and began waving its front two legs mencingly at him. This calmed the students down a little, the little Slytherins anyway. One of them came forward and timidly asked, "Professor, can you understand us?" The scintilla hissed.  
  
"Someone should see if they can find Dumbledore. You-Know-Who might've turned Professor Snape into this."  
  
"Right, I'll go," One of the Slytherin boys said before running out of the room. The scintilla hissed like a tea kettle and started weaving side to side in addition to its leg waving.  
  
"I think he wants our attention."  
  
"Look, I think he's pointing at something," the speaker pointed at an airborne leg that just happened to land ever so often on a bit of text. The closest person, a little Gryffindor girl leaned in closer to see what it was.  
  
"It says Exploding Fluid."  
  
************************  
  
You'd think the stress of the moment turned their brains to walnuts by the way those bloody kids were staring at me, Snape thought. They seemed to have a hard time registering the fact that they had to wash the potion off. "Don't tell me you can't wash yourselves."  
  
Five heads shoke slowly sideways.  
  
"What about our clothes?" Not-Quite-Miss-Know-it-All-Anymore asked.  
  
Snape smacked his forehead in frustration. "Set them aside, the elves will clean them later. You didn't think those robes were a souvenier did you?" Again the heads shoke slowly sideways. "Good, there are towels in there if you don't know any drying spells. You only need to get the potion off so don't take too long."  
  
The five stared at each other as though they were silently figguring out who was going first. Finally Miss Granger stepped back a little, looked up at him and nervously said "I'll go first."  
  
"Don't tell me, just get in there."  
  
Miss Granger flushed a little and walked to the bathroom never taking her eyes off them, looked like she was silently warning them not to spy on her.  
  
You wish Miss Granger. As for the others, well it would be funny seeing them get hit in the head by the door.  
  
"What are we going to do while she's in there," Draco asked.  
  
"Wait," Snape replied. "Standing up," he added. Longbottom was looking at the couch too fondly. A faint sound, somewhat like a 'boom' drifted into the room. What? A quick glance showed that the boys didn't hear the weird noise. Snape swore under his breath and hoped the potion didn't have any hallucinogenic properties.  
  
  
***********  
  
"What is going on here?" Professor McGonagall demanded as she entered the room, the Slytherin who went out for help in tow. The class looked at her with guilty looks on their faces. One cauldron had already blown up and its owner was lying unconsious on the ground.  
  
"Professor Snape turned into a spider."  
  
"Rubbish," McGonagall looked at Snape's desk. Lo and behold there was the scintilla who was by now having a fit that it's nap was being disturbed. McGonagall paled considerably and slowly approached the desk. "Severus?" The scintilla hissed. "Stay right there Severus, I'll go get Dumbledore. You lot stay right were you are and for Merlin's sake forget the potions." She swept out of the room in a hurry, still dragging the Slytherin boy behind her.  
  
******************************  
  
Miss Granger took thirty minutes in the shower, when she came out she had a towel tied like a turban around her head and had re-sized the robe she was given.   
  
"Obviously, you misunderstood me when I said not to take too long. Ten points from Gryffindor."  
  
"Sorry sir, geuss I got carried away."  
  
An extremely dirty thought went through Snape's head, and the other Gryffindors were fuming that he took points away from them just because she took to long in the shower, so noone noticed Draco slip into the bathroom.  
  
A few minutes went by. Longbottom was looking out the window, Miss Granger was sitting on the couch looking at one of his Potions Monthly magazines, Potter and Weasley were....leaning up against the bathroom door? That was intresting, you'd think they'd do that when Miss Granger was in there. He walked over to them and scowled, hoping for an explanation.  
  
Potter and Weasley looked up at him in shock for a minute, then Weasley held a finger to his lips and pointed at the door. Snape motioned them aside and leant against the door himself. Beyond the hiss of the shower he heard something hmmm, he leaned in closer.  
  
"To the extreme I rock a mic like a vandal  
light up a stage and wax a chump like a candle.  
Dance  
Bum rush the speaker that booms  
I'm killin your brain like a poisonous mushroom.  
Deadly, when I play a dope melody  
anything less than the best is a felony.  
Love it or leave it  
you better gain way  
you better hit bull's eye  
the kid don't play.  
If there was a problem  
Yo, I'll solve it  
check out the hook while my DJ revolves it.  
Ice Ice Baby Vanilla  
Ice Ice Baby.."  
  
Potter and Weasley were cracking up, and he would be in a second. Can't let them see that, he rapped on the door then said, "Malfoy, do refrain from sharing the number one song on your hit list and hurry up."   
  
Draco made a noise that sounded like he was choking. He shooed Potter and Weasley away from the door and went back to the armoire. Less than five minutes later Draco was out, his pale face a remarkable shade of red and in his (now re-sized) dress robes. Just to piss the Gryffindors off and to see if Draco's face could get any redder he awarded Slytherin five points because he was singing in tune. While the Gryffindors were fuming over that recent exchange he motioned Draco over.  
  
"Where did you learn that?"  
  
Draco's gaze shifted, to see if any of the Gryffindors were spying on them, and said in a very very quiet voice. "My father."  
  
Snape shooed him away, cast the strongest locking spell he knew on the entrance to his chambers, stepped into the armoire, casted a silencing spell and proceeded to laugh himself sick at the thought of Lucius Malfoy singing a Muggle song in the shower.  
  
By the time he got out Potter and Weasley had already finished their showers and Longbottom was in. The four looked at him questioningly when he stepped out of the armoire.  
  
"What," he snapped. They emmediatly reverted to what they were doing before.  
  
Thank goodness Longbottom didn't have the same effect on showerheads that he did on cauldrons. He obviously didn't know any re-sizing spells and looked like an inkblot with a round blond haired head. His surrogate mother Miss Granger casted one for him though. Now it was his turn, before he walked in he gave them a look that said 'Go ahead, try to escape'.  
  
Afterwords he'd tell them that they were drenched in an unknown potion, he wondered if they could take it...  
  
End of chapter 2  
  
Endnote/Disclaimer-Vanilla Ice owns his song. A big thanks to Meg (Saiai No Hito Mokushi on ff.net) for the the Draco shower scene and the lyrics to Ice Ice Baby. 


	3. chapter 3

Author's Note-This story got so many reviews in such a hurry that it made my head spin. A big thanks to Mop Head and her Daemon, Veresna Ussep, googoo4you, Aeryn Alexander, All Mighty Terrestrial, Maxx77, Mufasasasasdasasasasa!!!!, sar-spasm, vv, & Athesis and Aeris Gainsborough. This story like all stories belongs to you reviewers once its posted. I'm sad to say that I may end this story within the next few chapters, as humor is like a decadent jam, best served thick and no good if its spread out too thin. Though my beloved Hammer and a few nights of watching late night game shows have given me the urge to write a story about the Harry Potter characters in various game shows. And here's where I turn to you, the reviewers, are there any game shows you'd like to see Potterized? I'm going to stop this author's note before it turns into a talk show, and surrender you to the story ^^  
  
Disclaimer-JK Rowling still owns the Potterverse, I own my magical potions ingredient spiders. But who knows, maybe I'll sell her this plot and she can use it for the 6th book! *author gets hit by the Divine Mallet of Get Real!* Hee hee lots o' purty stars...hee hee *drops*  
  
As soon as the bathroom door was closed four pairs of eyes locked onto the entrance like laser sights. Hermione stepped cautiosly toward the door, lifted her wand, and...wait, where was her wand? She looked questioningly at the boys, none of which had their wands. Who brought a wand with them to Potions when the next class was Care of Magical Creatures anyway? She flopped back on the couch and sighed, loudly, letting her limbs fall lax.  
  
"Don't," Draco imitated the noise she made once she hit the couch "us. We weren't the only one's to forget our wands."  
  
"I wasn't, "Hermione sighed again imitating the sound she recently made "-ing you. I was just annoyed about the predicament we got ourselves into."  
  
"Well it wasn't my fault," Draco sneered glancing at Harry and Neville.  
  
"In case you didn't notice Malfoy, you're outnumbered four to one," Ron stood defiantly, hands on hips with a smug grin tracing its way across his face.  
  
"That's four to *two* if you're so intent on keeping score, Mr. Weasley," Snape's voice floated out of the bathroom. Ron's ego deflated faster than an air matress under a blue whale. Harry, Hermione, and Draco were shocked and poor Neville looked like he was about to have a heart attack.  
  
Besides the almost heart attack inducing shock Neville didn't look too well. His face was bright red and his eyes were darting every which way. Even if he wasn't curled up into a tiny ball on the foot of Snape's bed he looked pathetic. Was it just them or was he slowly getting fuzzier?  
  
"I don't f-feel so good," Neville burped out before...JUMPIN' JIMINY! The four other students rubbed their eyes in confusion. The crack of Snape's bedframe brought all into this-is-really-happening!!-land. The Gryffindor trio grabbed onto each other and cowered behind the couch, Draco seeking shelter in the armoire.  
  
"What is going on out here!" Snape thundered, stepping out of the bathroom in a green and silver satin bathrobe over black slacks. Give him a cigar and put him in a frat house and he'd fit in, in a Hogwarts edition of Revenge of the Nerds. Anyway, he took one look out the door and promptly...fell to the floor in utter shock.  
  
Before his head got to the floor and he blacked out he wondered if there was a record for the most unfortunate happenings in a single twenty four hour period.  
  
***************************************************************  
  
The scintilla was in the opposite mood Snape was in, since the students were sitting quietly at their desks, the spider could get some sleep. But that was promptly shot to hell when out of the blue a hand came and plucked him off the comfy Potions handbook.  
  
"Well, well Severus what have you done now," a cheery voice said.  
  
"Pwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiissssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhh," said the scintilla.  
  
"Severus," McGonagall scolded. "Don't talk to the headmaster like that!"  
  
"Pwwwwwwwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssshhhhhhhh!"  
  
"Class is dismissed, you may go back to your common rooms," Dumbledore waved them off with his free hand.   
  
"Albus, it looks like he's hurt. His leg is gone and it looks like some of its eyes are too."  
  
"Really!" Dumbledore held up the spider and examined it. "Yes! We've finally gotten what we need to defeat Voldemort."  
  
*****************-Don't ya'll just love my cliffhangers-*******  
  
Snape finally woke up to find four children staring down at him like he was dead. One was a tall redheaded boy with blue eyes, the next was a girl with bushy brown hair and hazel eyes, then came another boy with black hair, glasses over vivid green eyes, and a cut like a bolt of lightning on his forehead, the last kid was an arrogant looking fellow with platinum blonde hair and blue eyes. Wait a second, did he know them from somewhere. Think, think, think, what was his name anyway? Severus, yeah that was it, now who were these kids? Hmmm, the boys looked familiar in a way, wait it was coming to him now...  
  
"Potter," he growled.  
  
"I didn't do it," the black haired boy said defensivly putting his arms in front of him like a sheild.  
  
He turned and looked at the blonde boy, who leaned a little closer and whispered "Professor are you all right?"  
  
Professor? Me? "That's a good one Lucius, didn't think you had a funny bone in your body."  
  
Lucius turned and looked at Potter with a questioning look. The question being 'What did you do to him'? Why was Lucius with Potter anyway, and who were the other two? That other boy was a Weasely for sure ah, it had to be-  
  
"So, Potter trying to corrupt young Bill here are you now?"  
  
Bill looked at Potter and Potter shrugged. Allright that was three down and one left, that girl. Who the hell was she? He might have said Lily Evans but no, Lily didn't have brown hair. Ah who cares she was probably just a passerby. Why was he lying on the floor anyway, Potter probably did something to make him fall. He was glad that Lucius arrived, now they could teach Potter a lesson or two, he stood up and found that he towered over the others. What? He was tall but not that tall! Hell, Lucius was taller than he was and even he was looking up at him.   
  
Never mind the height change, where on earth where they? He didn't recognize this room at all, for that matter he didn't recognize his own clothes, geez they just screamed 'scored!' he thought he'd remember something like that. But it was what was in the room that shocked him the most. There was what used to be a four poster bed and sitting on top of that in a shredded black robe...a thourobred horse? 


	4. chapter 4

Disclaimer-Same old, same old, spiders=mine, everything else=JK Rowling end of disclaimer.  
  
Snape stared in amazement at the yellow-brown horse that was staring at him in terror on the bed. Then swirled around and glowered at Potter, who visably blanched. Potter was afraid of him, oh happy day!  
  
"What's the matter Potter, not so brave without Black, Pettigrew or the werewolf?"  
  
*************************************************************************  
  
"Hey Dumbledore, how ya doin'," the black haired man that the moment before was a black dog called gleefully as he entered the headmaster's office.  
  
"I'm fine Sirius how about yourself," Dumbledore replied with a twinkle in his eye.  
  
"Never better, now what was it you needed me for?"  
  
"I was wondering if you would watch Severus while Minerva and I.....make an important house call."  
  
A house call? Watch Severus? "Why, is he on suicide watch or something?"  
  
"No, Fawkes is trying to eat him and I don't trust leaving him here for a moment."  
  
Black's eyes widened considerably before he fell on the floor laughing at the absurdity of the request.  
  
"Unfortunatly that's not the only thing wrong with Severus," Dumbledore continued.  
  
"When is there ever just one thing wrong with Snape?" Black replied after he composed himself.  
  
"See for yourself," Dumbledore pulled the cover off a small birdcage on his desk, in which the scintilla was continuing its nap.  
  
Lines of fascination carved across Black's face and he approached the cage. "Hey little buggie," he said poking the scintilla's big abdomen.  
  
Pwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!  
  
"Woah, didn't like that too much didja?"  
  
"Sirius, please stop teasing him," a flash that can only be described as demonic brilliance appeared behind the twinkle in Dumbledore's eye. "On the other hand, do muff him up a bit before we get back, really agitate him."  
  
"Ok," Black spouted happily while grabbing a quill pen off Dumbledore's desk.  
  
**********************************************************************  
  
There was something rotten in Denmark; why was he so tall and in these robes, why was Bill Weasly taller than James Potter, why was Lucius looking so nervous, why was there a horse in Hogwarts, and why did that girl think she knew him, not that he minded that last bit. Snape had already pinched himself, so he wasn't dreaming. He was the only one with a wand at the moment, and it would be no fun dueling Potter without Lucius' demonicly imaginative curses. There was only one thing left to do, find the headmaster and hopefully get Potter and his gang of misfits expelled. He'd need a witness though, ah but Lucius should have obviously saw it.  
  
"Lucius," he whispered, getting down on Lucius' level.  
  
"Sir?"  
  
"Since when did you call me sir?"  
  
"Since I came to Hogwarts."  
  
"What did Potter and Weasely do to you Lucius?"  
  
"........Got me trapped down here for one thing."  
  
"Is that all?"  
  
"Yes, sir."  
  
"Lucius......Lucius!"  
  
"Sir."  
  
"Don't call me sir anymore."  
  
"All right."  
  
Snape stood up and scowled down at Potter, Bill, and the mystery girl. "You've reached the end of your ladder now Potter. As soon as the headmaster hears about this that is."  
  
"Can we go with you," Bill asked. The rest of them, even the horse on the bed agreed to that statement.  
  
"Funny, I didn't know you wanted to be expelled so badly. All right then let's go," he said, walking out the door as though it was never shut up as tightly as a vault in Gringotts. The four kids and the horse looked at each other nervously before following.  
  
*************  
  
In a dark forboding house in a remote corner of Britain, the Dark Lord Voldemort sat in his throne, one arm on his lap the other hand on his chin. His beady red eyes scanned the room briefly and he said in a dark and ominous voice-  
  
"Bishop to G-5."  
  
The white bishop on the king's side glided across the board, landed next to a black pawn and deftly skewered the hunched figure. Voldemort levitated the little Dirt Devil by his side and sucked up the black dust.  
  
Lucius Malfoy scanned the board and his steel eyes flashed with glee, he gave the Dark Lord a charming smile before saying "Knight to C-1, Checkmate." The black knight slid across the board and stopped next to the white king, who dropped his sword before the knight knocked his head off with its mace.  
  
Nagini, who was curled around Voldemort's neck as usual, made a few gasping sounds that sounded like laughter.  
  
"My Lord, shouldn't we be planning our next act of deviousness?"  
  
"No, not untill I get this game. The world has been waiting for me for thirteen years, I'm sure it won't mind waiting a little longer."  
  
"Maybe Crabbe would be a better opponent for you my Lord?"  
  
"I already beat him."  
  
"Goyle?"  
  
"Him too."  
  
"Pettigrew?"  
  
"Been there, done that."  
  
"Nott?"  
  
"Mmmm-hmmm."  
  
"MacNair?"  
  
"Yup."  
  
"Snape?"  
  
"Uh-huh."  
  
"Avery?"  
  
"Yes."  
  
"Mulciber?"  
  
"He was worse than Crabbe and Goyle."  
  
"Rookwood?"  
  
"Old conquest."  
  
"Travers?"  
  
"He stunk."  
  
"My lord, you've beaten everyone but me. Surely that must be good enough for you."  
  
"I will not rest untill I master this game, as I have mastered everything else."  
  
"Yes master," Lucius began rapairing the black peices while wondering what consequences were in store for him if he continued to beat Voldemort. He was considering throwing the next game in the Dark Lord's favor when the doorbell rang. Both Dark Lord and Death Eater stared at it in astonishment.  
  
"Must be some dumb Muggle kids, might as well catch them and give them to MacNair to play with, Lucius get the door."  
  
Lucius glanced across the room and saw MacNair out of the corner of his eye. "MacNair, get the door."  
  
"Pettigrew, get the door."  
  
"Crabbe, get the door."  
  
"Goyle, get de door."  
  
Goyle looked around for someone lower than him on the Death Eater ladder and found noone. He grumbled, cursed and opened the door."  
  
There was a terrified looking postman there holding a slip of white paper. "G-g-g-g-good afternoon s-s-s-s-sir, is there a m-m-m-m-mister," he looked at the paper which turned out to be a letter. "Vol D. Mort h-h-h-h-here?"  
  
Goyle scratched his head, he shut the door on the postman and shouted "Anybodys here named Mort?" He got a look of confusion from all present.  
  
"Get the postman, before he runs away," MacNair yelled.  
  
Goyle opened the door and grabbed the postman before he could slink off, and took the letter from him. "Vol D. Mort? I knows I heard that name before."  
  
"Goyle, did you just call the master by his true name?" Lucius glowered at him.  
  
"Uh-un Lucius, I was just wonderin' if knew someone named Vol D. Mort."  
  
Lucius shook his head, muttering something about Goyle being a disspointment to his blood. "Three guesses on who it is?"  
  
The game intrigued Goyle, who smiled and began thinking his first guess. Lucius sighed, summoned the letter out of Goyle's hand and handed it to Voldemort.  
  
"They spelled my name wrong!!" The Dark Lord screeched.  
  
"Muggles have a talent for doing that, must run in their blood."  
  
"Why are Muggles writing to me!"  
  
"I haven't the slightest idea my Lord."  
  
"Is it the author of this story!" Goyle yelled.  
  
Voldemort opened the letter and began reading it. While he was reading his red eyes glowed brighter and his face screwed up in a distastefull expression. After a few moments steam shot out of what were his ears. "Shit!" he roared.  
  
The Death Eaters stopped what they were doing and stared at the Dark Lord in astonishment. It just wasn't like him to suddenly shout cuss words at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Is it the ice cream man!" Goyle yelled again.  
  
"Look at this," Voldemort pratically plastered the letter on Lucius' face.  
  
Lucius peeled the letter off his face and looked at it. A few moments later he gasped "Shee-at." After a brief moment of stunned disbelief he followed up with, "My Lord, Dumbledore is attacking you via a Muggle organization. The British Society of Preventing Cruelty to Animals? That can't be legal, we're the ones that should be doing that!"  
  
"Is it the president of the British Society of Preventing Cruelty to Animals!" Goyle hollered at the top of his lungs.  
  
"Goyle, come here," Lucius said dangerously. Goyle waddled over to the chair in front of the throne and Lucius smacked him upside the head with his serpent cane. The blow looked like it didn't phase the big man at all, but the expression on his face was similar to a little puppy's after its master scolds him for peeing on the rug. Goyle hung his head in shame and walked back to his room in Voldemort's house. "No that that's out of the way," Lucius continued. "I'm going to see if I can get Fudge drunk enough to fire Dumbledore."  
  
Voldemort cleared his throat, pointed at the chess board and scowled.  
  
"Oh right, after you beat me at chess."  
  
**************************************  
  
By now Snape, Harry, Ron, Hermione, Draco, and Neville the horse were outside the gargoyle that gaurded the entrance to Dumbledore's quarters. The thing was although he somehow knew that this was the door to the Headmaster's office, Snape didn't know the password.  
  
"Did you forget the password?" That girl asked him.  
  
"If I did we'd be in wouldn't we?"  
  
"I think I know it," Potter said. "Pepper Imps, Ice Mice, Sugar Quills, Jelly Slugs, Lemon Drops, Sherbert Lemons, Peppermint Frogs, Cockroach Clusters-"  
  
The gargoyle swung to the side, revealing a long hallway. After the group finished commenting on the nastiness of Cockroach Clusters they entered the hallway only to be intercepted by Professor McGonagall. She started to frown at them and tell them that Dumbledore wasn't accepting any visitors, but then she saw Snape.  
  
"Severus?" she said nervously.  
  
"Is that you Professor McGonagall, who'd you get so old so fast?"  
  
That comment really pissed McGonagall off. She clenched her teeth, balled her fists, stalked over to Snape and punched him in the jaw with everything she had. Which ended up knocking him flat out. "Sirius," she called.  
  
Black bounded down the stairs, "Yes? Oh what's up Harry, Ron, Hermione? Where'd you get the horse?"  
  
"No time for that Sirius," McGonagall said. "Take Severus and lock him in the closet until Dumbledore's done talking with the man from the BSPCA."  
  
"But Severus is up there with Dumbledore isn't he?"  
  
McGonagall pointed to the floor.  
  
"All right then, geuss we should lock houdini up, he'll ruin the plan if he shows his face." Black sauntered over to where Snape was lying and bent down to grab his foot.  
  
Snape's nose twicthed and he sat bolt up right. "Black?" he spat.  
  
Black screamed, McGonagall screamed, Neville neighed, Ron belched, Harry shifted nervously, Draco gave Ron the evil eye, Hermione sighed at the insanity of the situation.  
  
"What's going on down there," Dumbledore appeared on the stairs carrying the bird cage with the scintilla.  
  
"Severus," McGonagall squeaked.  
  
"Is right here," Dumbledore pointed at the cage.  
  
"No I'm not," Snape replied.  
  
Dumbledore's twinkly eyes grew another inch wider. He looked from spider to Potions Master and back again several times. Then his eyebrows furrowed together.  
"You mean all this time you were you!" As noone in the room had ever seen Dumbledore mad before this was extremely scary. Smoke drifted down from his nose, he put the cage down, took his shoe off and threw it at Snape. The shoe bounced off his head, and Snape just sat there staring in shock with everyone else in the room. Then, as suddenly as it appeared the rage lifted from his face and the usual Dumbledore happiness came back. "Severus why don't you come into my office and tell me what happened. Minerva send the children back to their common rooms."  
  
It took awhile for Snape to register what Dumbledore said, but he got into Dumbledore's office all the same.  
  
Dumbledore summoned some tea and offered him a lemon drop, which for the first time in his life, he accepted. Then Dumbledore put the scintilla's cage on the desk. "Do you mind telling me what this is?"  
  
Snape's eyes grew bigger than anyone in this story's had been. "That's the scintilla that escaped yesterday. I thought he was dead."  
  
"Is it your familiar?"  
  
"No, potions ingredient. I thought it got evaporated in Neville's potion earlier today."  
  
"Well then, explain your side of the story and I'll tell mine."  
  
So Snape told his story, editing the part about Draco singing in the shower, himself cracking up in his armoire and everything else that happened in between him ending his shower and waking up staring at Black's face simply because he couldn't remember that part and he wanted to keep his dignity regarding the formers. And then Dumbledore told him about the students thinking he was a spider and the whole BSPCA thing, which had Snape cracking up harder than the whole shower incident.  
  
"What about him?" Dumbledore pointed at the scintilla.  
  
"He started this whole mess, the only thing I want to do to him is introduce him to the bottom of my boot."  
  
Pwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!  
  
"Hagrid would be very intrested in him. And he seems to be intellegent, he fooled all of us into thinking he was you."  
  
Snape scowled, "It's a dumb spider nothing more than eight, well in his case seven legs and an appetite."  
  
Pwish!  
  
"McGonagall seemed pretty fond of him too..."  
  
"I'll need to borrow that cage for a while Dumbledore, seems like that's the only thing he can't escape from."  
  
Pwwwisssshh!  
  
"Sirius liked him too..."  
  
"I'll bet he did."  
  
Pwish-pwish-pwish!  
  
"Severus what if we were to compensate you for the spider, now that I think of it even Poppy liked him. It would cause a riot if you were to boil him down for a potion."  
  
"Dumbledore, did it ever occur to you that you were curteous to the spider because you thought it was me?"  
  
"Well, I did, but it seemed like people cared more for the spider. Your first year Gryffindor and Slytherin class really liked him."  
  
"Then give him my job then."  
  
"I'm afraid I can't, he had the students making Explosion Fluid, the school wouldn't last with him as a Potions Master."  
  
So that was the boom he heard, that explains things. "If you all want him so bad then keep him, he was nothing but a thorn in my side anyways. Good night Dumbledore."  
  
"Good night Severus."  
  
Pwish!  
  
Snape scowled at the scintilla and swept out of Dumbledore's office. He was tired, it'd been one hell of a day. Now the only thing he wanted was eight hours of sleep, his bed never seemed a more comforting place......  
  
***THE END***  
  
Author's Endnote-All the Death Eaters and candies mentioned are real, I got the names from the Harry Potter Lexicon, my source for all Potter questions. The lexicon can be found at http://www.i2k.com/~svderark/lexicon/index-2.html.  
  
I'd like to thank all my reviewers and those who are reading this story now. It's been one helluva crazy ride, but this isn't the last chapter. Stick around for the Aftermath, translations of the latin used in this story, and what effects a scintilla has as a potions ingredient! 


	5. The Aftermath

The events in A Little Spark in the Powderhouse definatly had an effect on the characters involved. This is the aftermath, how the smoke rose after the spark blew.  
  
Severus Snape was given a lengthy vacation after almost breaking down when he saw the remains of his bed. He is currently in Bermuda, livin' it large at a very posh resort. The fresh air and lack of students and spiders is doing him well.  
  
The scintilla was adopted by the Hogwarts staff and became the schools unofficial mascot. He's been in good health despite his missing leg, second and fifth eyeballs and that frature of a tooth. And was nominated as the jockey for the official Hogwarts race horse.  
  
No magic was found to reverse Neville Longbottom's equine status, and if that spell were ever found it's doubtfull he'll ever want to use it. As the official Hogwarts race horse he won the Muggle race at Newmarket and the wizarding race at Malfoy Manor racking up much money for Hogwarts and prestige for himself. He is currently at stud and lives in his own barn at Hogwarts.  
  
Harry Potter, Ron Weasely and Hermione Granger wrote the event off as another of the endless list of weird things that'd happened to them since they enrolled in Hogwarts. They went on to encounter more weird stuff and finally graduated from Hogwarts.  
  
Albus Dumbledore took over Professor Snape's Potions classes while he was away. And though he didn't have as much experience a third year Ravenclaw was reported saying they were 'groovy'.  
  
The Dark Lord Voldemort frustrated that he couldn't beat his right hand man at chess went on a mad killing spree targeting chess Grand Masters, a holocaust that decimated the island nation of Iceland. After which he dissapeared while apparating to Alabama to continue his reign of terror.  
  
The remaining Death Eaters now suddenly out of work decided to start a heavy metal band ironicly called the Vol D. Morts, with Goyle as their head vocalist. They also got into necrophilia, their motto now being "Death-Screw It."  
  
Draco Malfoy was also declined a future job as a Death Eater, but instead of joining the Vol D. Morts he became a model. He became so riotously popular that people all over the world began sporting helmet head hairdos.  
  
****Your Humble Latin Translations****  
  
Adflictatio-Cesso:This can be roughly translated to pain be gone.  
  
Spuma:foam  
  
Scintilla:Spark (fitting huh)  
  
****A Brief Explanation On What Effects the Scintilla Spider Has On Potions****  
  
Unlike its cousin the spuma spider, the scintilla spider has more uses besides changing the consistency of a potion. It has a dendency to increase the effects of whatever drought it is introduced to, thus making poisons more deadly, sleeping potions more sleepy etc. There are some recipes in which the scintilla is an active ingredient, the rarest one by far was the abysmal concoction Neville Longbottom spawned that fateful day in Potions. That potion was the Cor Cordis-Aveo (roughly translates to Hearts Desire) an extremely difficult potion that before hand hadn't been made in a good long while. Unfortunatly, this potion gives you the first thing you strongly desire after you drink/come in contact with it.   
  
What the doused desired was as such; All the kids wasted theirs on the door, though Neville desired to get the door open and be able to swiftly get away and the potion just turned him into an animal that could do both. The other's meerly desired the door to be open (which is why Sev just glided through the door like it was nothing). As for what Sev desired, well that's a whole 'nuther story ^^ 


End file.
